Today I went to Super Target. It's like normal Target but with a 12 inch d**k. I don't know why but in the suburbs everything has to be the size of Rhode Island, or else it just doesn't serve a purpose.

Get me outta here!!!!

Sincerely,
Suburban Chris

Ummmmmmm what can I say. Some crazy shit happened before I left LA, but I'm in Phoenix now away from the crazies. So Merry Christmas everyone!

Expect a posting after the holiday :-)

...and this happened:


No joke. There were raver kids at Disney! Apparently there is like some horrible second wave of raver kids walking this planet. These kids were like all under 21 and look like they just stepped of a plane from 1996. The worst part was that the night before I had been offered ecstasy at a party. I almost took it thinking it was a Pepcid AC (I was really wasted and had heartburn). Luckily I didn't, but I will say that I was definitely still drunk when I saw all these glow stick twirling, beaded out, techno-rasta f***ks waiting in line for Space Mountain.

I mean this is a really lame thing to start up again. If I can think of cool trends to bring back, ravers are not one of them. Let's bring back something fun like honest to goodness 60's commune-living, indeterminate sexuality, chest hair showing off, HIPPIES! It woud be great! Just imagine hippies taking over the Gap at Haight Asbury and smoking basil-like weed in the middle of the day. I think that would be fun.

I really hope there are Jesus people out there to take care of these lost raver souls and send them back to 1996 Dr. Who style.

STAY OUT OF DISNEYLAND AND GO BACK TO YOUR WAREHOUSES!!!!!

Love,
Glowstick Chris

Tis the season for holiday parties and it seems as though every straight girl in L.A. doesn't have a date to their company party. So why not bring a gay guy? That gay guy being me.

Last night I was lucky enough to accompany my friend to her annual holiday party and boy what an open bar and "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" can create. I have never seen so many white people rush to the dancefloor. Not to mention one guy requested the freaking song 3 TIMES! And the stupid DJ played it 3 TIMES. You guys this song is really old and not even that great! For those of you who don't know what the song is or have been living in a polygomy colony on the Arizona/Utah border, here's a link: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpocrqvP2Yg.

When Soulja Boy Tell'em came up with the dance and the song I bet all he could think of was, "Damn I am gonna get a lot of p***y." To his dismay all he got was a bunch of drunk white people doing something not so short of gay line dancing. To further my point, I made up a list of the top 5 people and places you wil find this dance/song:

1. Drunk IT people at corperate Christmas parties
2. Drunk valley girls on the corner in front of LeDeux.
3. Closetted frat guys after a beer funnel.
4. Overweight white girls on youtube.
5. 13 year olds at dance recitals.

Oh and let's not forget what this song is really about. There is a rumor going around that the song is about c***ing on a girl's back because she won't f**k you. I encourage every soccer mom in Arcadia whose van full of tweens say, "MA-ommmmm turn it up!" to think about this when the song comes on the radio. With that said, I am going to be the first person to say, "Give this song back to black people." I think it's about time. I don't even want Latino people to get in on this, just black people. They deserve to have their song back and in it's place I leave only the Macarena and the Electric Slide for white people to dance to after 7 martinis at the company holiday party.

Happy holidays everyone and dance responsibly.

Sincerely,
Soulja Boy Chris

If you find yourself bored at work because of the pre-holidays slump, here are a few lists to keep you occupied or shine your shoes at work, which I did (give me a break, the creative juices just aren't flowing).

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative
meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Pretty funny huh? NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Love,
Bored Chris

I don't know if I am the only one but I always dred these words. I feel I am a pretty unique looking person and I only say this because only a few times have people come up to me and told me they saw someone who looked like me. However, most of the time when people say this to me, the person in question usually looks like this:



I guess it's the glasses and the fact that usually my "twin" just so happens to be gay, which MAY be excuseable. But, ususally the other person is Greek, Italian, Armenian or almost always Jewish, which I am not. Also, when I see pictures of the other person or meet them they are flamingly gay and I have to ask myself, "Am I really that 'gay'?"

I like to think that if I were walking down the street and saw someone who looked like me it would be Jake Gyllenhaal, but then it would be awkward when Jake and I would have sex together. So maybe John Stamos? The point I am trying to make is don't ever tell someone that they look like someone else unless that person is an attractive celebrity.

Now I know how my Korean friend felt when I told her she looked like Margaret Cho.

I'm sorry Patty.

Sincerely,
Gay Chris

So apparently Gmail thoght it would be cool if people could share their "Gmail Story". A story about a long distance relationship or how Gmail saved you from papercuts because it is "electronic mail". Anyways, this is really stupid. What else is stupid is that it is in Vlog form which you submit it.

Here's my Gmail story:

It was a dimly lit bar in the wrong side of town, and there was this shadowy outline of a character that I caught out of the corner of my eye. I proceded to turn around and ask the bartender for a drink, when to my surprise, the bartender handed me a gin and soda and said, "Compliments of the gentleman in the corner." Sure enough it was the shadowy figure. He slowly approached me and said this to me, "It's not every day that a guy like you meets a guy like me in a bar like this." I blushed and said, "I know who you are, you're Gmail aren't you?" And he said, "Am I that obvious?" But before I could respond, he touched his index finger to my pursed lips and whispered, "Shhhhhhhhhh."

From that day on, Gmail and I have been chatting, emailing, now with unlimited storage.

Honestly Gmail, honestly.

If you feel moved to post your own Gmail story, do so here: http://www.google.com/mail/help/yourstory.html#utm_source=yourstorynfl&utm_medium=et&utm_campaign=en

...and then kill yourself.

I'm a bad person. I stole some stuff from a bar this weekend.

Items:
*Heinz 57 Bottle of Mustard
*2 Bottles of Tabasco
*10-15 Spoons

Should I be held responsible for what I do when I am drunk? I just don't think so. The fact is that we don't have that many spoons, tabasco or mustard so I figured I would stock up while I was at the bar.

People were drunk, there was all sorts of mischief, and it was all a product of the evening. Besides at $6 for a watered down drink, I feel I deserve it. If Karma is true, then I already got hit when I saw the photos. I look pretty bloated and gross. But I will always be, the guy who stole stuff from the bar.

Sincerely,
Drunk Chris (Thief)

Me: Damn that's the kind of shit White people do. They carve squash and serve soup out of it.
Roomates: But aren't YOU white?
Me: Yes and no.

Let's face it. White people do things certain ways and other cultures do things other ways.

What spawned this conversation? A Vons commerical which shows a bunch of little kids carving butternut squashes together. Are they making a pie? Making "squash bread"? NO, they are simply carving them out to serve soup from. This just seems wasteful to me, pointless maybe? I don't know, but I really think that White people are the only type of people who would get satisfaction from this. I say this because I'm pretty sure this was marketted at White America because the family was White(although I think there was an ethnic kid in there somewhere). I'm thinking if I came to my Hispanic grandmother and said, "Let's eat soup out of a squash, " she would say, "We're not going to eat it? Why?" If my Hispanic mother saw this commercial she would probably say, "You know that's so friggin' stupid. And WASTEFUL!"

I agree.

I guess I'm not saying that ALL white people would do this. I'm just saying that there are certain types of people in the media who would carve a squash and serve soup out of it and they are probably people like Martha Stewart, who happens to be white.

I think most of this really stems from my grandfather's nickname for me: "calabasa" which means "squash" in Spanish.

Bottom Line: Being half Hispanic and half White has it's benefits, ragging on White people in a commericial is one of them.