Cindy Sherman "Untitled Film Still #48"

So in the many many months that I have been gone here's some topics I would have covered:

Losing Weight, Gay Pride, Serious Relationships, Gay Marriage, Earthquakes, Heartbreak, Assholes, Asian People, Santa Monica, Van Nuys, Air Conditioning, Break Ups, Mexicans...And Many More.

Unfortunately, I just don't have the time (cop out!). Also, I got derailed by a serious heartbreak that occured roughly 3 weeks ago. Sometimes summer flings go too far and people get hurt. I don't know why this happened to me, but maybe it's that feeling you get when you are at the beach and the sun is blazing and all you can do is close your eyes and stare directly into the Sun. Then, quickly open your eyes (away from the Sun of course!) and all you can see is a purplish haze. A haze that makes everything look as though it is glowing effervescent warmth. In fact, everything looks like a decomposing poloroid with some sort of chemical process taking place that gives everything the tinge of youth. I think THAT is how I felt all summer. Like I was in some sort of bizarre chemical decomposition...but a good kind, the kind that makes you overlook people's hidden imperfections in persuit of love.

Enough pussy footing! I won't go into detail but every now and then you run into a gay guy who is dead serious about living a normal, productive homosexual life which mirrors a white picket fence hetero life. This can be very exciting for people who are into "different things". However, you seriously have to question that person's intentions. Are they seeking out this married life in attempts to make up for something missing in their own lives? Because marriage is really about acceptance. In fact it is the state accepting your love for another person and making things "official". Well I have never had to seek out acceptance from anyone to know exactly what I want in life, which is why I am completely torn over marriage. I don't mean "gay marriage" I mean marriage in general. Of course everyone should have the right to marry but in all honesty what's the point? It's just like getting a stamp of approval from the state saying, "Yes it's ok that you love someone and can commit to them. Congrats." Of course I am over simplifying things, but in all honestly I think love is the strongest thing that anyone can ever give to someone else. Not just any love, but UNCONDITIONAL love.

I think that a good, pure and honest relationship depends upon unconditional love for your partner. If you can express that everyday you are seriously giving them one of the most amazing gifts that humans are capable of. I believe that marriage is right for those who are capable of this unconditional love, however in the gay community a lot of our love we give ourselves and others is conditional:

"I will love myself if I can look like that hot guy."
"I will love you if you promise to share the exact same future I want, no discrepencies."
"I will love my gay son as long as he marries a woman and has a normal, heterosexual life."

These are all frighteningly commonplace in our community and it's really a shame. I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where love was ever present and ALWAYS unconditional:

"I will promise to love you always no matter what you do with your life."

In conclusion, this posting is really about the importance of unconditional love in our lives. Relationships which are conditional tend to be the most destructive and often times leave one part of the whole completely heartbroken because that half has given all the love they can without any strings attached. It's important to let ourselves go and explore this realm of love, but it's equally as important to realize that this love should be free from all attachments and should come from a completely innnocent and selfless part of your heart. I think when you are capable of finding that place in your heart and giving into it, you are seriously ready for a true and honest loving relationship.

Love (Unconditionally),
Chris