So with eight hours a day spent staring at a computer and obsessively refreshing Facebook, I figured it would be a good idea to blog about dating in LA. Yes the treacherous world of gay dating in Los Angeles can be quite hilarious, painful and rewarding (?).

Let's start off with a little story I like to call "Canoodle."

Here is the definition according to Urban Dictionary: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=canoodle

I'm just gonna say it. I hate this word and it probably has something to do with a boy I dated. We'll call him, Alejandro. Alejandro was not born in this country, but did have a very thorough understanding of English. He was fluent. However, what I have found with people who speak English as a second language is that they often have a fall back verb, which is expected when you are talking about work, cooking, etc., but when it comes to sex, an improper use of a verb could be a turn off.

Everyday, every text/conversation/email was. "I really enjoyed canoodling with you last night.", "I can't believe we woke up and the dog was canoodling with us!", "Or last night when our canoodling was amazing." Super cute at first, right? How sexy? A boy with an accent and how cute it is that he occaisionally uses antiquated terms to describe our love life. Well you know what? Why don't you go canoodle yourself, ok? Please for the love of god find another word to use. I hit the breaking point when we were eating dinner and I asked him how he cooked the rice, "Well you know I just sort of canoodled my way into this recipe with some experimenting." I held back the urge to correct him.

Needless to say he could sense my anger with this word and that I was hoping he would find a new one. "Chris, do you not like that word?" to which I replied, "No no I like it...ok, I don't." A week later we were walking along the beach with his friends when he was talking about a funny thing that happened on one of our dates, "Well I was over at Chris' place and woke up in the middle of the night. Ok I should just say it. We were FORNICATING." To which he glanced at me and winked. This was a sort of, "Hey look! I found another word" moment.

Needless to say, this did not work out between Alejandro and I. "Fornicate" was not an acceptable replacement for "canoodle" and in the end (for other reasons) we "canoodled" our way out of a our brief relationship.

Sorry Alejandro.

So about a week ago I got an abscess on my jaw. If you don't know what that is, then look it up online (it's very disgusting). While the abscess was very painful and slightly horrifying, the healthcare system was a bit more shocking.

I'll start out by saying that when I was a little boy and I would get sick all my mom would have to do is call up the doctor and make an appointment for me to see the doctor. The doctor would fix me and make me feel all better.

Not today. In fact I was referred to a medical group of doctors after finding out I could NOT go to the emergency room without first paying out of pocket for at least 1,000 of my deductible. The medical group consisted of 3 doctors, none of which could see me the same day. While dealing with the 16 yo girl on the phone who kept saying things like,

"Yeah i don know what to tell you, like the doctor is really bisEEE today and he like can't see you,"

I started to cry. I realized that nothing in LA happens at the speed you want it to and I know this (I was once stuck in traffic for 5.5 hours). In fact, it took me calling back and crying on the phone to get to speak to a nurse who calmed me down and let me know about something called "urgent care." This is like a doctor on demand that takes place after hours. You simply pay your co-pay and the doctor sees you.

The procedure I had was quite painful, and very quick. Now I am on tons of antibiotics and my face is back to normal.

The startling realization from this was that when you have health insurance, you really don't have insurance against anything. You aren't protected from having to pay out of pocket for insanely over-priced procedures or will you actually be able to see a doctor. Let's hope someday things will get back to the way they were when I was a little kid.

All I want is a band aid, a lolipop, and someone to tell me everything is going to be alright.

Abscessingly Yours,
Chris

I had a very intense dream where I was Batman and in between saving the world I was involved in a locker room orgy. I really don't know what this means, but perhaps I am some sort of gay super-hero. I did some research online and couldn't really find anything of substance on this topic. I think that it MAY mean I have a desire to make an impact in the world or that deep down I am capable of saving other people and helping other people...including myself.

The sex was really good, too. Not gonna lie. I think the symbolism of the locker room orgy was that i have a desire to have a locker room orgy.

It's just a thought.

-Chris

Cindy Sherman "Untitled Film Still #48"

So in the many many months that I have been gone here's some topics I would have covered:

Losing Weight, Gay Pride, Serious Relationships, Gay Marriage, Earthquakes, Heartbreak, Assholes, Asian People, Santa Monica, Van Nuys, Air Conditioning, Break Ups, Mexicans...And Many More.

Unfortunately, I just don't have the time (cop out!). Also, I got derailed by a serious heartbreak that occured roughly 3 weeks ago. Sometimes summer flings go too far and people get hurt. I don't know why this happened to me, but maybe it's that feeling you get when you are at the beach and the sun is blazing and all you can do is close your eyes and stare directly into the Sun. Then, quickly open your eyes (away from the Sun of course!) and all you can see is a purplish haze. A haze that makes everything look as though it is glowing effervescent warmth. In fact, everything looks like a decomposing poloroid with some sort of chemical process taking place that gives everything the tinge of youth. I think THAT is how I felt all summer. Like I was in some sort of bizarre chemical decomposition...but a good kind, the kind that makes you overlook people's hidden imperfections in persuit of love.

Enough pussy footing! I won't go into detail but every now and then you run into a gay guy who is dead serious about living a normal, productive homosexual life which mirrors a white picket fence hetero life. This can be very exciting for people who are into "different things". However, you seriously have to question that person's intentions. Are they seeking out this married life in attempts to make up for something missing in their own lives? Because marriage is really about acceptance. In fact it is the state accepting your love for another person and making things "official". Well I have never had to seek out acceptance from anyone to know exactly what I want in life, which is why I am completely torn over marriage. I don't mean "gay marriage" I mean marriage in general. Of course everyone should have the right to marry but in all honesty what's the point? It's just like getting a stamp of approval from the state saying, "Yes it's ok that you love someone and can commit to them. Congrats." Of course I am over simplifying things, but in all honestly I think love is the strongest thing that anyone can ever give to someone else. Not just any love, but UNCONDITIONAL love.

I think that a good, pure and honest relationship depends upon unconditional love for your partner. If you can express that everyday you are seriously giving them one of the most amazing gifts that humans are capable of. I believe that marriage is right for those who are capable of this unconditional love, however in the gay community a lot of our love we give ourselves and others is conditional:

"I will love myself if I can look like that hot guy."
"I will love you if you promise to share the exact same future I want, no discrepencies."
"I will love my gay son as long as he marries a woman and has a normal, heterosexual life."

These are all frighteningly commonplace in our community and it's really a shame. I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where love was ever present and ALWAYS unconditional:

"I will promise to love you always no matter what you do with your life."

In conclusion, this posting is really about the importance of unconditional love in our lives. Relationships which are conditional tend to be the most destructive and often times leave one part of the whole completely heartbroken because that half has given all the love they can without any strings attached. It's important to let ourselves go and explore this realm of love, but it's equally as important to realize that this love should be free from all attachments and should come from a completely innnocent and selfless part of your heart. I think when you are capable of finding that place in your heart and giving into it, you are seriously ready for a true and honest loving relationship.

Love (Unconditionally),
Chris

Why do we have a third set of molars? Is it just so nature can TORMENT us?

I recently had my bottom two wisdom teeth removed and I am still recovering. I had the surgery this past friday and for some reason I am still in a great deal of pain. If you ever have the option to not have your wisdom teeth removed, don't have them removed. This surgery is so painful and HORRIBLE. It's quite simple: a dentist or an oral surgeon rips the teeth out of your mouth. However, these just aren't any normal teeth, they have such terrible characteristics as being impacted or under the gum. Mine were impacted AND had curvy hooked roots, which translated into about an hour of a dentist digging and forcibly removing these horrible little teeth. Oh and there are still two more that need to come out. Well, let me be the first to say that those other two can rest assured they have plenty of time before i get them removed.

Oh, and i bought a fake tooth to cover up the gap left from the other one I had removed. YAY!

~toothless.

How deprived do children have to be that when they go to the laundromat they run around and act like they are at Disneyland?

This past weekend I woke up early to do my laundry before my friend showed up. I sat through the usual assortment of unsightly laundromat goers including:

My un-showered self
The old drunken latino men
The guy shouting at his grandmother in Spanish on his bluetooth wearing an over-sized gold crucifixion cross
The obese angry lesbian couple
The helplessly young couple with too many children

It was really the last group that set me off. While the dad was outside on his phone the little kids were wreaking havoc on the patrons of the laundromat. Somehow, I am always the one who gets the brunt of it and that day was no different. I had two VERY heavy bails of laundry in my arms and went to push against the door. Of course the door did not open because the little girl had been playing with the locks and locked the f***ing door. As she struggled to unlocked it i just angrily walked away and used the other door.

I really wanted to go up to the dad and be like, "LEAVE YOUR F***ING KIDS AT HOME WITH GRANDMA!" I mean seriously why do you have to bring your entire family to the laundromat? They f***ing run around and throw sh** at each-other like it's a f***ing playground at recess. I think every parent should leave their kids at home or one parent should take their kids to the playground or McDonalds, someplace, anyplace where kids are SUPPOSED to play around.

I don't care how poor you are, find the time to play with your kids so that they can look forward to something more exciting than going the f***ing laundromat on a Sunday.

Sincerely,
Clean Laundry Chris

So as you all know last night was St. Patty's Day and I did the typical thing and hung out with friends from work. Well, through happenstance a friend of a friend of a friend is friends with Nick Lachey and sure enough he showed up to hang out with us. It was a strange mix of normals like us and Nick Lachey, along with his girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo. Overall, it was quite the event.

He's a cool guy (i think, we really didn't chat that much), he has a big nose, and he's short, which makes him cool with me considering im a cool guy with a big nose and short stature. He's a bit more in shape than me, but I think we would make good work out partners maybe if we did something easy like yoga.

The funny thing is that at one point in my life I was completely obsessed with "What's Left of Me" by Mr. Lachey. A completely ridiculous song whose dance remix is awesome to work out with. I actually almost downloaded it as my ringtone. Could you imagine that? If my phone went off right next to Nick Lachey with his cheesey dance song as my ringtone? How awkward! It's like when I started working at Jake G's management company and had to quickly run home and change my Myspace layout so that nobody could find out that I am obsessed. Some sort of 20-something pervert who puts up pictures of his coworker's clients and remembers their addresses. OK I don't remember his address, but still, I play back in my head every moment of the 15 minutes we spent together in his manager's office.

This of course is all spilling forth as I sit in my HGTV cubicle-esque office and try to figure out what Hungarian people are saying as they search for a house in Budapest. Ah, life in the fast lane.

Really, that's all that I have to say.

Sincerely,
Luck O' The Chris

P.S.Oh, but it looks like we made Perez: http://perezhilton.com/2008-03-18-sighting-147.